Tag Archive for 'steampunk'

Awful Dreck: Baltimore by Mike Mignola and Christopher Golden

Baltimore by Mike Mignola and Christopher GoldenUsually I write up a fat, juicy little intro to my reviews, but today I’m going to cut to the chase. Baltimore SUCKED! Here’s what I think happened: A very talented artist who does some very cool and goofy things got it into his head to write something serious and fumbled the genre he chose. Or something like that.

The setup: Three men with haunted pasts are summoned to a cursed town by soldier-turned-vampire hunter, Lord Henry Baltimore. Baltimore has been searching for a vampire king in order to avenge the loss of his family and wife to the scourge. The three men will join in the battle for Baltimore’s very soul and spirit. The book is illustrated throughout with drawings by the very talented Mike Mignola. Readers may remember Mignola from the Hellboy series and The Amazing Screw-On Head, among other things. Here’s more information about Christopher Golden, who I am unfamiliar with.

What’s good about Baltimore? Vampires, adventures on the dark side, and one good story (out of 4) about a haunting. I think that the book aspires to be something interesting and unique. To me, it hearkens back to some older adventure fiction, and has a kind of steampunk sensibility. For instance, it has something of the flavor of Jules Verne novels like Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea, or Wells’ War of the Worlds. (Except that, unlike those books, it sucks). It has adventure, travel, and moral fortitude.

What’s not so good about Baltimore? I was reminded of Moby Dick, of all things, but probably not for the reason you’re thinking. When I read Moby Dick, I was like “It’s halfway through the book and the ship hasn’t sailed and we’re reading about a pastor!” The book is practically over before anything really happens. The first part of the book tells how Lord Baltimore becomes the sworn enemy of the vampires. The second part of the book consists of the three men swapping tales of their own brushes with the supernatural. The third part gets you somewhat caught up with what Baltimore has been doing recently, in epistolary format. Finally, the fourth part of the book is the showdown between the vampire king and Baltimore (and his henchmen).

What sucks about Baltimore? Dull, two-dimensional, interchangeable characters; a vampire hunting hero with a jointed wooden leg who carries dumb vampire-hunting gear; a vampire novel with absolutely no eroticism or even titillation; no meaningful female characters at all; mechanical writing; a weird thing in the beginning about toy soldiers that doesn’t really figure into the rest of the book.

Let’s see those numbers.

Creepy Factor: 3 out of 5
Suspense Factor: 1 out of 5
Weird Erotic Tension Factor: 0 out of 5
Funny and/or Strange Factor: 0 out of 5

Final result: Because of Mignola, the artwork, and the subject matter, this book jumped off the shelf at me and demanded to be read. Finishing it ended up being a dull chore, and I am especially bitter because I expected better. Guys! Guys! Don’t bother writing a vampire novel without any eroticism. You might as well just make it about werewolves or something. Don’t get me wrong – I like werewolves. Some of my best friends are werewolves, but they’re not sexy like vampires.

Baltimore by Mike Mignola and Christopher Golden – Bantam Books – 2007
DON’T Buy Baltimore at Amazon

Thanks for reading another one of my book reviews. See you next time!

Published on July 29, 2010 in Book Reviews. 0 Comments Tags: , , , , , .

Book Review: Seance for a Vampire by Fred Saberhagen

Last night I had a dream where I was walking along with a book about Dracula, and I didn’t notice that coming the other way was Grover from Sesame Street holding a book about Sherlock Holmes. (Don’t look at me like that. Grover may be the star of a childrens TV show, but he’s still a monster and a good friend of mine.) We crashed together and my book about Dracula fell into his book about Sherlock Holmes and BAM! They became a book about Sherlock Holmes and Dracula. All in one book! Two great flavors that taste great together? Maybe not.

OK. OK. The part about the dream I made up, but Grover IS a good pal of mine. And there is a book in Titan’s “Further Adventures of Sherlock Holmes” series that features Dracula, Holmes and Watson. In Seance for a Vampire by Fred Saberhagen we find them investigating the case of a dead heiress who makes an appearance in a seance held by some suspicious spiritualists. The book further posits that Dracula and Holmes are cousins and this is what caused Holmes to have such a nightmarish childhood (?).

I have to say that when I found out about the book, I was interested. I mean, there’s Sherlock Holmes and Dracula, and that means there is going to be vampirism and a nice staking scene probably. And then there is going to be a seance, so there’s going to be some table-rapping and fake ectoplasm coming out of people’s noses and from behind their ears. Probably some sex. And blood. And Sherlock Holmes and mayhem in London. People getting knocked out. Yeah. And Sherlock will pull out his chemistry set and pick locks and create image transfers with sulfur dioxide and discover ape hair jammed in windows and shit like that.

The book looks very promising at the start. We are introduced to a hot Eastern European female vampire who is watching a public hanging of a pirate. She is watching this and simultaneously having a mysterious conversation with a rich merchant, who is obviously crooked. I was thinking to myself “Aw yeah. Here we go.” Then the author kills both characters off. Later in the book everything slows to a crawl and it becomes strictly snoresville.

While there is some sex, it’s mostly talked about abstractly and after the fact. Dracula puts the bite on one of the fraudulent spiritualists, but we are only told that it’s happening. No juicy details. No hungry eyes. No torn bodices. Then there is the rich heiress who has been turned into a vampire. Normally, in a vampire novel, somebody gets staked. And you go: “Yeah! Stake that vampire! Stake her good! I want to see that stake come out the other side of her chest while she shrieks over and over!” Not here. Here they go searching for the vampire heiress, and the first time they find her, they let her escape somehow. Lame. And then the next time they search for her, they find her and discover that SOMEBODY ELSE HAS ALREADY STAKED HER. Then there’s an awesome booby trap set to kill Holmes, but here’s how the scene plays out:

Dracula said, “Wait. There is a diabolical booby trap here.” And then he said. “OK I have disarmed the booby trap.”

“Good thing you saw that.” replied Watson.

Now I can see this book possibly being a treat for somebody who really loves Sherlock Holmes and who wants to experience a Sherlock Holmes book like they were written by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. Maybe. What I mean is if you are somebody who might be looking for something a turn of the century gentleman might write, then… But I don’t remember the works of Doyle being this dull. Maybe they were and I’ve forgotten. I know that at one time or another I’ve read all of Doyle’s Holmes books and the memories are fond. And maybe those of you who are fans of the Doyle books would enjoy this one. Maybe.

Creepy Factor: 1 out of 5
Suspense Factor: 1 out of 5
Weird Erotic Tension Factor: 2 out of 5 (For the hot Eastern European vampire at the beginning.)
Funny and/or Strange Factor: 1 out of 5

Final result: I forgot to mention the Rasputin kind of character! There is a Russian mesmerist in this book. You know, the kind who uses his mesmerism and magnetic personality to take advantage of women? Like Rasputin. In this book. And what does he do? He has two very sensible conversations!!! That’s what. It bears mentioning that there are some books in the Further Adventures of Sherlock Holmes that have very positive reviews on Amazon.

Seance for a Vampire by Fred Saberhagen – Titan Books – 2010
Buy Seance for a Vampire at Amazon

Thanks for reading another one of my book reviews, and thanks to Titan Books for the review copy. See you next time!

Published on July 14, 2010 in Book Reviews. 2 Comments Tags: , , , , , .

MAD TEA: Black-eyed Suzie

Yes I know, I know, I said that Mad Tea was going to be about monsters, but really nothing says “Mad Tea” more than a hauntingly beautiful doll with a thousand yard stare wearing an Edwardian tea dress. MAD TEA stands for Monster Art Dolls Toy Etsy Artists. It’s a stretch I know. See this page for details about MAD TEA.

Today I want to talk about these amazing dolls that are available on Black-eyed Suzie’s Etsy page. These could be tragic heroines from an Edward Gorey tale, or maybe an aristocratic lady with a bad case of the vapours.

Leonore Stands for her Tintype

The dolls are OOAK, which is short of One-Of-A-Kind. They are constructed from paperclay, which is a form of papier mache. The arms have wire in them and can be posed.

Winter Branches

The artist can work from photos to make custom dolls. These take 4-6 weeks to make. Black-eyed Suzie can also make accessories. Simple ones are free, but more complicated ones like parasols, pets, or steampunk goggles will cost you. Black-eyed Suzie also has a Typepad page that you should definitely visit if you like her work.

Well, that’s it for this week’s installment of MAD TEA. See you next week for more Monster Art Doll Toy Etsy Artists.

Published on June 8, 2009 in MAD TEA. 0 Comments Tags: , , , , , .

Book Review: Diamond Age by Neal Stephenson

stephenson_diamondageI have this recurring dream about being trapped in a factory. In the dream, I’m strapped into a chair in front of a black conveyor belt. The conveyor belt emerges from a little window in a gray wall way off in the distance. The end of the conveyor belt is right in front of me and terminates in a drop-off. On the conveyor belt are an endless line of silver serving dish covers. As each dish cover reaches the end of the conveyor belt, a thin robot arm comes down and lifts the cover off and under each one is a rat or a squid. In the dream I am compelled to announce each rat or squid as it falls off of the conveyor belt. “Rat. Squid. Rat. Rat. Rat. Squid. Rat. Squid. Squid.” It seems so meaningless. Meaningless! Marooned in a sea of meaninglessness, my brain turns against itself and I laugh maniacally. Ah HA! HA HA HA HA! Ha hahaha!

Sometimes reading is like that. A rat here. A squid there. Then another rat. But sometimes the robot arm lifts the serving dish cover and underneath is a monkey with a ruby loupe in its eye repairing a golden clockwork octopus with an air-powered nut driver and you think to yourself, “Where did that come from?” Diamond Age by Neal Stephenson is a lot like that. It is simultaneously meaningful and meaningless. It can be delightfully confusing and seemingly directionless. It is over-complicated and deliciously so.

Not that it’s perfect. For one thing some of the characters really called for more development than they got. Also the story sometimes veered wildly into territory that seemed to come from nowhere. On the plus side, the reader is forced to give up having any idea of what is going to happen next. There is no “Rat. Squid. Rat. Squid.” going on here. It’s all about the clockwork octopus repair monkey squad.

The life of a nanotechnology architect is changed forever when he is commissioned by an aristocrat to bring a special project to reality. The aristocrat has designed a magical book that he hopes will teach his granddaughter to be independent. After engineering the book, the architect decides to make a secret copy of it to give to his own daughter. This plan goes awry and the unintended consequences multiply quickly. A copy of the book falls into the hands of a little girl living in a ghetto. More copies of the book are manufactured by a terrorist group whose agenda includes raising an army of orphans. The architect himself is forced to take on a mysterious clandestine mission. A multimedia actress falls in love with a little girl.

In the process Stephenson creates a compelling world and inhabits it with well-developed characters. There is a lot of darkness. Sometimes bad things happen to people who might not deserve it and not everybody is going to make it out of the story in one piece.

With Stephenson you have to let go of the last book you read by him. You may have loved Zodiac, but it’s not like Zodiac. You may have loved Snow Crash, but it’s not like Snow Crash. You may have loved Cryptonomicon, but it’s not like Cryptonomicon.

Creepy Factor: 3 out of 5
Suspense Factor: 4 out of 5
Weird Erotic Tension Factor: 3 out of 5 (There is some really strange sex going on under the ocean, among other places.)

Final result: I loved this book. After I read it, I took it straight to one of my best friends and told him to read it. It deservedly won the Hugo Award for Best Novel in 1996.

The Diamond Age: Or, a Young Lady’s Illustrated Primer – Neal Stephenson – Bantam – 1995

View this book on Amazon

Published on February 11, 2009 in Book Reviews. 1 Comment Tags: , , , , , , .