Tag Archive for '19th Century'

Awful Dreck: Baltimore by Mike Mignola and Christopher Golden

Baltimore by Mike Mignola and Christopher GoldenUsually I write up a fat, juicy little intro to my reviews, but today I’m going to cut to the chase. Baltimore SUCKED! Here’s what I think happened: A very talented artist who does some very cool and goofy things got it into his head to write something serious and fumbled the genre he chose. Or something like that.

The setup: Three men with haunted pasts are summoned to a cursed town by soldier-turned-vampire hunter, Lord Henry Baltimore. Baltimore has been searching for a vampire king in order to avenge the loss of his family and wife to the scourge. The three men will join in the battle for Baltimore’s very soul and spirit. The book is illustrated throughout with drawings by the very talented Mike Mignola. Readers may remember Mignola from the Hellboy series and The Amazing Screw-On Head, among other things. Here’s more information about Christopher Golden, who I am unfamiliar with.

What’s good about Baltimore? Vampires, adventures on the dark side, and one good story (out of 4) about a haunting. I think that the book aspires to be something interesting and unique. To me, it hearkens back to some older adventure fiction, and has a kind of steampunk sensibility. For instance, it has something of the flavor of Jules Verne novels like Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea, or Wells’ War of the Worlds. (Except that, unlike those books, it sucks). It has adventure, travel, and moral fortitude.

What’s not so good about Baltimore? I was reminded of Moby Dick, of all things, but probably not for the reason you’re thinking. When I read Moby Dick, I was like “It’s halfway through the book and the ship hasn’t sailed and we’re reading about a pastor!” The book is practically over before anything really happens. The first part of the book tells how Lord Baltimore becomes the sworn enemy of the vampires. The second part of the book consists of the three men swapping tales of their own brushes with the supernatural. The third part gets you somewhat caught up with what Baltimore has been doing recently, in epistolary format. Finally, the fourth part of the book is the showdown between the vampire king and Baltimore (and his henchmen).

What sucks about Baltimore? Dull, two-dimensional, interchangeable characters; a vampire hunting hero with a jointed wooden leg who carries dumb vampire-hunting gear; a vampire novel with absolutely no eroticism or even titillation; no meaningful female characters at all; mechanical writing; a weird thing in the beginning about toy soldiers that doesn’t really figure into the rest of the book.

Let’s see those numbers.

Creepy Factor: 3 out of 5
Suspense Factor: 1 out of 5
Weird Erotic Tension Factor: 0 out of 5
Funny and/or Strange Factor: 0 out of 5

Final result: Because of Mignola, the artwork, and the subject matter, this book jumped off the shelf at me and demanded to be read. Finishing it ended up being a dull chore, and I am especially bitter because I expected better. Guys! Guys! Don’t bother writing a vampire novel without any eroticism. You might as well just make it about werewolves or something. Don’t get me wrong – I like werewolves. Some of my best friends are werewolves, but they’re not sexy like vampires.

Baltimore by Mike Mignola and Christopher Golden – Bantam Books – 2007
DON’T Buy Baltimore at Amazon

Thanks for reading another one of my book reviews. See you next time!

Album Review: Sister Kinderhook by Rasputina

Dear Melora,

Melora, if you’re reading this, there’s a reason I’m writing this as a break up letter. I’m trying to figure out if the problem here is me. Like many of your fans, I’ve been following Rasputina for more than a decade and it’s been interesting watching you grow as an artist. You keep trying new things to keep your music fresh and relevant. You’ve also been through a lot of band members, and in addition released a solo record as Melora Creager.

I fell in love with you the first time I heard “Dig Ophelia”. I thrilled in a white trashy way when you sang “Trenchmouth”. You broke my heart so deftly with “Hunter’s Kiss”, having first announced that it would be a sad story, and I watched admiringly from a distance when you sang “Saline the Salt Lake Queen”. I agreed with you when you stated that the cello is the saddest instrument. Your solo album was interesting but also kind of forgettable, but then O Perilous World came along with some really good songs and an interesting idea. And I was happy.

And now Sister Kinderhook. Like most of the rest of your albums, the songs can be broken into four categories: 1) The brilliant songs we love you for. 2) Some songs that are OK and might be the ones we like later when we get tired of the ones we liked first. 3) A few songs that are mostly amazing but have something really annoying about them (like the frenetic part of “Draconian Crackdown”, which is otherwise rocking). 4) One or two real stinkers. Please note that only one of your albums has no stinkers. That is as much a product of your experimentation as anything else, and when I buy your albums I don’t mind the stinkers because the rest is always so interesting.

Can I tell you that there isn’t anybody else I know of anywhere who is doing what you do? There are some bands that can be compared, but you are very unique.

I read a discussion on a fan site where some people were talking about whether or not you were going to drag out the dulcimer again. The point being that the dulcimer was really grating. And don’t get me wrong – there is something intrinsically grating about your music. Sometimes that’s a good thing, like in “Saline” or “Crosswalk”. Other times, not so much. Like in “The 2 Miss Leavens” which is grating and (I think it’s best to be blunt here) boring. I pre-ordered Sister Kinderhook and got the fan, thank you. Then I listened to the album some. And then stopped listening to it. Then I listened to it some more. Then I stopped listening to it. Then I tried listening to it on shuffle with the other Rasputina albums. Here are my thoughts.

I love love love “Sweet Sister Temperance” and “Meant to be Dutch”. “Dutch” in particular makes me think of Chinese railroad laborers and theremin. The tracks “Kinderhook Hoopskirt Works” and “Afternoon of the Fawn” are good. “Kinderhook Hoopskirt Works” suffers in that it’s the same flavor as “Shirtwaist Fire” and “My Orphanage” but isn’t quite as good. “Utopian Society” is funny and I love the accent. The song is like “My Captivity by Savages” or “Kate Moss” so it ends up getting limited play time with me, being a novelty song. I have to be honest with you that the rest of the album is a little tedious. In the middle. For a long time. I read that you wanted to get back to your roots and I think this album proves that you can never really go home. Not really. And yet the music does mesh well with your other albums so maybe it’s something else. I don’t know. I’ve been spending some time trying to figure out if it’s YOU, of if it’s ME. Maybe I’ve become jaded. I’m wishing for some more cello. I don’t really feel like you’re rocking out on this album, and there something missing. Some extra X factor.

Can I tell you again that there isn’t anybody else I know of anywhere who is doing what you do? I think everyone should listen to your music. I plan to see you when you come to Portland, and no, the love affair isn’t really over. But I’m feeling jaded and blue.

Sister Kinderhook by Rasputina – Filthy Bonnet – 2010
Buy Sister Kinderhook on Amazon

See you next time!

Book Review: Seance for a Vampire by Fred Saberhagen

Last night I had a dream where I was walking along with a book about Dracula, and I didn’t notice that coming the other way was Grover from Sesame Street holding a book about Sherlock Holmes. (Don’t look at me like that. Grover may be the star of a childrens TV show, but he’s still a monster and a good friend of mine.) We crashed together and my book about Dracula fell into his book about Sherlock Holmes and BAM! They became a book about Sherlock Holmes and Dracula. All in one book! Two great flavors that taste great together? Maybe not.

OK. OK. The part about the dream I made up, but Grover IS a good pal of mine. And there is a book in Titan’s “Further Adventures of Sherlock Holmes” series that features Dracula, Holmes and Watson. In Seance for a Vampire by Fred Saberhagen we find them investigating the case of a dead heiress who makes an appearance in a seance held by some suspicious spiritualists. The book further posits that Dracula and Holmes are cousins and this is what caused Holmes to have such a nightmarish childhood (?).

I have to say that when I found out about the book, I was interested. I mean, there’s Sherlock Holmes and Dracula, and that means there is going to be vampirism and a nice staking scene probably. And then there is going to be a seance, so there’s going to be some table-rapping and fake ectoplasm coming out of people’s noses and from behind their ears. Probably some sex. And blood. And Sherlock Holmes and mayhem in London. People getting knocked out. Yeah. And Sherlock will pull out his chemistry set and pick locks and create image transfers with sulfur dioxide and discover ape hair jammed in windows and shit like that.

The book looks very promising at the start. We are introduced to a hot Eastern European female vampire who is watching a public hanging of a pirate. She is watching this and simultaneously having a mysterious conversation with a rich merchant, who is obviously crooked. I was thinking to myself “Aw yeah. Here we go.” Then the author kills both characters off. Later in the book everything slows to a crawl and it becomes strictly snoresville.

While there is some sex, it’s mostly talked about abstractly and after the fact. Dracula puts the bite on one of the fraudulent spiritualists, but we are only told that it’s happening. No juicy details. No hungry eyes. No torn bodices. Then there is the rich heiress who has been turned into a vampire. Normally, in a vampire novel, somebody gets staked. And you go: “Yeah! Stake that vampire! Stake her good! I want to see that stake come out the other side of her chest while she shrieks over and over!” Not here. Here they go searching for the vampire heiress, and the first time they find her, they let her escape somehow. Lame. And then the next time they search for her, they find her and discover that SOMEBODY ELSE HAS ALREADY STAKED HER. Then there’s an awesome booby trap set to kill Holmes, but here’s how the scene plays out:

Dracula said, “Wait. There is a diabolical booby trap here.” And then he said. “OK I have disarmed the booby trap.”

“Good thing you saw that.” replied Watson.

Now I can see this book possibly being a treat for somebody who really loves Sherlock Holmes and who wants to experience a Sherlock Holmes book like they were written by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. Maybe. What I mean is if you are somebody who might be looking for something a turn of the century gentleman might write, then… But I don’t remember the works of Doyle being this dull. Maybe they were and I’ve forgotten. I know that at one time or another I’ve read all of Doyle’s Holmes books and the memories are fond. And maybe those of you who are fans of the Doyle books would enjoy this one. Maybe.

Creepy Factor: 1 out of 5
Suspense Factor: 1 out of 5
Weird Erotic Tension Factor: 2 out of 5 (For the hot Eastern European vampire at the beginning.)
Funny and/or Strange Factor: 1 out of 5

Final result: I forgot to mention the Rasputin kind of character! There is a Russian mesmerist in this book. You know, the kind who uses his mesmerism and magnetic personality to take advantage of women? Like Rasputin. In this book. And what does he do? He has two very sensible conversations!!! That’s what. It bears mentioning that there are some books in the Further Adventures of Sherlock Holmes that have very positive reviews on Amazon.

Seance for a Vampire by Fred Saberhagen – Titan Books – 2010
Buy Seance for a Vampire at Amazon

Thanks for reading another one of my book reviews, and thanks to Titan Books for the review copy. See you next time!

Book Review: Black Hills by Dan Simmons

Black Hills by Dan SimmonsIt’s good to be ambitious. You might be a giant gorilla who crashes though the jungles of a remote island, where you are worshiped like a god by the natives and wrestle with dinosaurs. But then you might see Fay Wray and think to yourself, “I want some of that.” If you’re ambitious, you might succeed. Or you might find yourself on the wrong side of the Empire State Building with Fay Wray in one hand, and swatting at airplanes with the other. If you don’t try sometimes, you’ll never know what you can really achieve. The problem is that when you get too ambitious things can get out of hand. I think Black Hills suffers from too much ambition.

I’m a little reluctant to review this book here because it’s almost more historical fiction than horror or speculative fiction. There are ghosts and supernatural happenings in this book, but nothing remotely creepy or eerie. Black Hills follows the life of a Native American man around the turn of the century. As a young Lakota boy, he “counts coup” on General George Armstrong Custer at the moment the man dies, and Custer’s ghost invades his body. The boy, named Paha Sapa (the name itself meaning Black Hills in his native tongue), can also sometimes see the futures and pasts of people he touches. We follow Paha Sapa as he grows up and into old age. Being historical fiction, the book involves what was really happening in the United States at that time. Namely, Native Americans were being pushed onto reservations and/or killed. A visit is made to the famous White City of the Chicago World’s Fair in 1893, and later Paha Sapa works as a dynamite layer for Gutzon Borglum as he creates Mount Rushmore.

Although there are happy times in Paha Sapa’s life, Simmons chooses to focus on those times which are most tragic and the book is sometimes horrifyingly sad. We watch as Paha Sapa tries to kill himself, directly or indirectly, several times, both as a boy and an old man. Because of his ability to see the future from touching people, he accidentally witnesses the funeral of his future wife on the day he meets her. Don’t get me wrong – just because a book is sad doesn’t make it a bad book. I can name any number of sad books that I think were masterpieces. For the record, I think that many who read Black Hills might have a contrary opinion and really enjoy the book. I wasn’t won over.

For one thing, the haunting of Paha Sapa by the ghost of George Custer is unusual, and so a reader might think that it would play a large part in the goings-on of the plot. It does not, however, and for me the ghost ended up being meaningless to the story. We wait until halfway through the book before Custer and Paha Sapa finally speak to each other, and to me it seemed like they failed to develop any sort of relationship, even at the end. Instead, strangely, we are treated to Custer’s memories of having sex with his wife, Elizabeth, a lot. At one point we find them covered in buffalo blood, enjoying acrobatic sex on the back of a trotting horse. These scenes appear between chapters about Paha Sapa’s violently interrupted childhood.

Much later, Paha Sapa visits Custer’s widow when she is ninety, just before she dies. This chapter is written from the viewpoint of Custer himself and he spends most of it belittling her for how old she has become. He goes into great detail describing her wrinkles, deafness, and old lady smell. Of course it could be that I missed the point.

What all these stories have to do with each other is what escapes me.

I think this could have been a book about a psychic Native American who was unwillingly haunted by a famous killer of his people, and how their relationship changed over the one man’s life. Alternatively, Simmons could have written a book about a man’s search for peace after he lost his only son to a foreign war, in which the son fought for those who had brutalized his people and culture. OR a book about a Native American who helped build (and plotted to destroy) Mount Rushmore in the heart of the land his people held most sacred, and the racism he faced every day. OR a book about Custer’s very interesting wife and their relationship, including how they got it on, and then what his ghost might have thought if he had visited his faithful widow many decades later.

I’ve read enough of Dan Simmons and think highly enough of him that I believe he could have written any of the above books and given them the emotional depth and time they needed to be excellent. I think his main fault here is in trying to do too many things at once and as a result not doing a great job with any.

Creepy Factor: 1 out of 5
Suspense Factor: 1 out of 5
Weird Erotic Tension Factor: 1 out of 5
Funny and/or Strange Factor: 2 out of 5

(As with some other recent books, because this book isn’t exactly in the horror genre, the numbers above are rather unkind.) To his credit, Dan Simmons takes a lot of risks with Black Hills, but I was never won over and did not end up enjoying the book. I do recommend him as an author, however.

Black Hills by Dan SimmonsReagan Arthur Books – 2010
Buy Black Hills at Amazon

Many thanks to the publisher for sending me a review copy of this book. See you next time!

Giveaway: Drood and Black Hills by Dan Simmons

the book Black Hills by Dan SimmonsI’m doing a give-away courtesy of the Hachette Group. Next month marks the debut of a new novel by Dan Simmons. You may remember Simmons as the author of Hyperion, The Terror, Carrion Comfort, and Song of Kali. I especially loved Hyperion and its bizarre sequels. His new book, Black Hills, would appear to be a sort of supernatural historical novel. At the battle of Little Bighorn, General George Armstrong Custer lies dying. A young Sioux warrior, Paha Sapa, “counts coup” on him and at that moment, Custer’s ghost enters him. The Sioux warrior, as he goes through the rest of his life, is haunted by General Custer and hears Custer speak to him.

The book Drood by Dan SimmonsI haven’t read his last book, Drood, but it sounds very interesting. I’ll be giving some copies of Drood away as well. Drood is a thriller about Charles Dickens and his friend, Wilkie Collins. The novel creates a sequence of events to explain the inspiration for Dickens’ final, uncompleted novel, The Mystery of Edwin Drood. Dickens was involved in a train wreck in 1865. While helping to rescue other passengers on the train, Dickens encounters Drood, a menacing figure who had been traveling in a coffin. Dickens finds himself on a quest though the underworlds of London in search of this enigma.

The Hachette Group Giveaway:

What is up for grabs: Two copies of Black Hills and two copies of Drood.

Who will win: Four winners will be selected. Simply leave a comment on this post. When you post your comment, be sure to enter your correct email address in the email field. That’s how I’ll notify the winners. Winners must live in the USA or Canada (sorry) and the books cannot be shipped to a PO Box.

When and how the winners will be chosen: Giveaway ends at midnight, on Saturday, January 23. Winners will be selected randomly using numbers generated by random.org.

Notification: Winners will be notified by email. The Hachette Group will send the books to the winners.