This week’s Weekly Geeks topic is travel around the world. Before I can even get into the topic, a little discussion is necessary. You see, traveling is especially complicated for monsters. Yes. Yes. Regular readers are saying “But you keep talking about all these underground tunnels and secret passageways that go from attic to attic through thin air. What about those?” And you’re perfectly correct. Some monsters are fortunate enough to have a secret tunnel or a relative in a country they’re interested in and can make such arrangements. For other monsters, however, things are more complicated. Let’s go through the basics.

Travel for Monsters

World travel has never been very straight-forward for monsters. Although monsters of all kinds enjoyed more freedom and ease of travel during the 20th Century, things have been getting more difficult. Let’s look at the most common forms of transport.

Prohibitions Against Transporting Evil Over Moving Water: Among trivia about monsters, this isn’t one of the more popularly known facts, but almost all forms of evil and many kinds of monster cannot safely pass over moving water. In the case of evil, there aren’t really many options available, especially for really really ridiculously bad forms of evil. However, restrictions aren’t as harsh for monsters, and many monsters who are affected can apply for a temporary exemption.

Airplane Travel: In case you haven’t noticed, recently it’s become harder and harder to get onto an airplane, especially for beings that are so hideous they have to wear a mask in public, or things with multiple arms or tentacles. Monsters with sharp appendages over three inches long can forget it. In fact, air travel is no longer an option for all but a few lucky monsters who possess ID and can pass for human through a metal detector, airline customer service counter (without eating anyone, mind you) and for however long the flight is. Monsters with stinky food or who need fluids to feed on should eat just before their flight.

Unscrupulous Shipping Companies and Ship Captains: The difficulty with air flights leads us to what is unfortunately the most common avenue left to most monsters today, and that is being smuggled abroad on a ship. While it can be dangerous, there are hidden perks. While such luminaries as Dracula traveled with his rats in a crate in the ship’s hold, today’s smuggled monster should consider paying extra for a nook with a window. Beware: When dealing with unscrupulous shippers, it’s easy to get stranded in the country of your destination. Never pay the full round-trip fee up front! Finally, be sure to pack enough to eat because sailors have a long and storied history of killing monsters who decide to eat them.

Travel by Giant Flying Creature, Magic, or Giant Sea Monster: This more traditional mode of transport has been gaining in popularity of late, but is extremely dangerous. Travelers should be wary of any larger monster offering suspiciously low discount fares. Unfortunately some huge monsters advertise in order to secure meals. If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is. With giant ocean-going beasts, in most cases you will have to trust that the monster will disgorge you at your destination, and it is much harder to secure round trips. As for magic, it is usually either available via Faeries and thus ridiculously complicated and/or dangerous, or it involves some magical instrument such as a flying carpet or broom. These last two are agonizingly slow for world travel.

Travel by Sea Monster is Often Uncomfortable

Where in World I Have Been

Personally, besides two horrifying trips to the Land of Faery (don’t ask) and a very brief stay in Hell, I have managed to make it to Japan, and Bali, Indonesia. Japan, of course, has famous monsters and a long tradition of ghost stories. The best known author of the subject is Lafcadio Hearn, who collected many Japanese folk takes and preserved them in English during the late 19th Century. Some of his stories were later turned into film, most notably in Masaki Kobayashi’s Kwaidan.

(Lafcadio Hearn and Kwaidan – Criterion Collection on Amazon)

The one thing you notice immediately about Japanese ghost stories is that the Japanese have taken revenge from beyond the grave to a whole new level. Sure there are plenty of instances of old hags who murder children to supply deranged noblemen with fresh blood. What is remarkable, however, is that even the slightest deviation from the norm or even the tiniest social error can result in death, disaster, or losing one’s ears. To an American monster, it almost seems as if Japanese monsters and ghosts have been assigned the task of not only defending the country from giant moths, but also enforcing their social mores and taboos.

A Sorrowful Ghost Fulfilling Her Social Obligation

While I was in Japan I got the opportunity to ask some of my hosts if that was the case. Most of them gave the sort of answers you might expect. They said that back in the old days, enforcing social taboos and mores was The Way Things Were Done. They also said that there are more traditional monsters and ghosts who still follow the old ways. So, for instance, the ghost of a maid might still choose to haunt a cruel man who threw her down a well because of a misunderstanding over a missing dish. In other cases, however, many of the younger monsters and ghosts are more free-spirited, and might choose to haunt or horrify just because they feel like it.

While we’re on the subject of Japanese monsters, don’t forget to visit the blog of my friend Jerom, who has designed some Japanese monster papercraft. Here are a few examples: Phantom Samurai – Karakasa – Namahage.

Well, that’s it for today. I hope this information proves useful to any other monsters out there who are thinking about taking a trip abroad. You should do it if you can. It may be a lot of trouble, but it’s totally worth it. Thanks for stopping by! See you next time.

1. In your blog, list any books you’ve read but haven’t reviewed yet.

2. Ask your readers to ask you questions about any of the books they want. In your comments, not in their blogs.

3. Later, take whichever questions you like from your comments and use them in a post about each book. Link to each blogger next to that blogger’s question(s).

4. Visit other Weekly Geeks and ask them some questions!

My first book I just finished this morning. The book is Blood Water by Dean Vincent Carter and was sent to me by the wonderful people at Random House. It’s kind of a young adult horror thriller in the style of Dean R. Koontz (think Phantoms) but with outstanding gore.

I also keep meaning to write a review of Edward Gorey’s masterpiece The Glorious Nosebleed. I’m actually a little confused about what I’m going to write about it, so I’m hoping that people will come up with some good questions.

I can’t wait to get everyone’s questions!

Update:

Here is the resulting review of Blood Water by Dean Vincent Carter.
Here is the resulting review of Edward Gorey’s The Glorious Nosebleed.

To be honest, however, I really appreciate fiction that was written in its own period and that as a result contains an indelible stamp of the time it was written in. One of my guilty pleasures is reading trashy pulp fiction from the 1960s. Mmmmmmm. In the ’60s, being trashy just seemed so natural.

Here are some books from my OTHER collection. Since the year they were published, some of these books have faded into well-deserved obscurity. In fact, it’s a pretty safe bet that all but two of these books are currently out of print. One of these books sparked an entire genre and is still studied in college classes today. At least one of them was written under a pen name by an author who became famous for writing other books. And then there’s Jim Thompson and Carter Brown. Check out these covers and the cover blurbs.

LOST, LONELY, BOYISHLY APPEALING – this is Beebo Brinker – who never really knew what she wanted – until she came to Greenwich Village and found the love that smoulders in the shadows of the twilight world. – Beebo Brinker by Ann Bannon

CHESTER DRUM takes the oddest “trip” of his career – with a tall death-dealing blonde and an even taller dose of LSD. – Drum Beat Erica by Stephen Marlowe

MODESTY BLAISE – Men tremble at the sight of Modesty Blaise. Out of lust… and out of fear. Not only is Modesty a gorgeous hunk of woman, she is also one of the deadliest females this side of Mata Hari. – Modesty Blaise by Peter O’Donnell

RIVAL FOR A CORPSE – The sizzling brunette collected shrunken heads but she offered Al Wheeler five thousand dollars to bring her the live heart of her ex-husband. – The Passionate by Carter Brown

POP. 1280 – 1277 of the citizens were just plain folk – thieves, simpletons, cheats. It was those other 3 – Myra, Amy, and Rose – who made Pottsville the hottest town this side of the Equator – Pop. 1280 by Jim Thompson

THE MORNING AFTER – For one thing, the room I was lying in was strange. The bed was strange, the lights were strange – even the telephone was strange. For another, there was a girl in the room. She was sitting on the window sill. She was wearing a slip. And she was nobody I knew. – Some Like it Cool by Robert Kyle

THE SHOCKING TRUTH – The probing, intimate novel that dares focus public attention on the low moral values of some men of medicine who mix professional practices with excesses in lust! – Doctors’ Women by Phillip Sorrell

THERE IS NO BLURB, unfortunately, but with a cover like this, who needs one? – Father of the Amazons by Pete Lewis

Whatever you do, don’t miss the pink mules on the cover of The Passionate.

As a bonus, all but two of these covers were illustrated by the same artist. Extra credit points go to whoever can name the artist. Well, I have basements to haunt and crypts to keep so I’ll catch you on the flip-side. Thanks for joining me for another Weekly Geeks installment.

I want to know: What’s your guilty reading pleasure?

Very sleek and fat did the cats appear, and sonorous with purring content.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft (Author, 1890 – 1937) From The Cats of Ulthar

The jargon of these sculptors is beyond me. I do not know precisely why I admire a green granite female, apparently pregnant monster with one eye going around a square corner.” Ezra Pound (Poet, 1885-1972)

Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” ~ Dr. Seuss (Author, 1904 – 1991)

The monster was the best friend I ever had.” ~ Boris Karloff (Actor, 1887 – 1969)

The piano is a monster that screams when you touch its teeth.” – Andre Segovia (Musician, 1893 – 1987)

My wallpaper and I are fighting a duel to the death. One or the other of us has to go.” ~ Oscar Wilde (Author, 1854 – 1900) – Said of the wallpaper in his room at the Left Bank Hotel in Paris, where he passed away.

Life is intrinsically, well, boring and dangerous at the same time. At any given moment the floor may open up. Of course, it almost never does; that’s what makes it so boring.” ~Edward Gorey (Author, Artist 1925 – 2000)

See my favorite Edward Gorey couplet here.

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