Book Review: Good Fairies of New York

Welcome to another book review at Dark in the Dark. Today’s subject is good fairies.

Make no mistake, good fairies are a plague. There are lots of kinds of fairies. First, when you think of fairies, I hope you’re thinking of the sort that are described in traditional fairy tales. They are enchanted and don’t age at the same speed humans do. To us they appear to be human-sized, but in reality size and space don’t really mean much to them. They might inhabit an enormous castle under a rock in your garden. These are the kind of faery that are sort of mad or perhaps even dangerous, and are really best left alone. In addition there are, of course, the dark faeries. They wear lots of red lipstick and black clothing that makes them look skinny. They also have bat wings instead of the standard fairy butterfly wings. Dark fairies mostly spend their time looking sexy.

Finally, there is the kind of fairy who is more like a pixie and these are the kind that Arthur Rackham illustrated. They are miniature twig-like creatures with butterfly wings, tiny boobs, high cheekbones, and strange long noses. These are “good fairies” and you better wish you never see one because they only show up when something horrible has happened (or is about to happen.)

For example you might be visited by a good fairy if you are twelve years old and you get a splinter of an evil mirror embedded in your eye. Let’s say the splinter of evil mirror makes everything that is sweet and lovely in the world look like horror and blood, and you wander off in madness. Then your little sister sets out to find you and she is kidnapped by a smelly troll who insists that she either marry him or end up as his next roast. Your sister begs the troll to release her and he agrees, but only if she can clean his floor by the next morning. She tries her best but no matter how she cleans, the floor only gets dirtier and dirtier. That’s because the troll has cheated and enchanted the floor so it never gets clean. So your sister sits at the window and cries and cries because she misses you and she doesn’t want to marry a troll and bear his children or end up on a spit over a fire with an apple in her mouth. When something like this happens, you and your sister are due for a visit from a good fairy.

Of course it doesn’t have to be that complicated. For example, let’s say that your father is a woodsman, and your mother dies, and then your father marries a horrible stepmother who brainwashes your father and orders him to take you out in the woods, cut you into pieces for the wolves and crows in the forest to eat, and bring back your still-steaming heart so she can make a stew. If this happens you should say “Hello good fairy!” because you are guaranteed a visit.

I can keep giving examples like this over and over because it happens all the time, but the point is that good fairies are a plague. Unless maybe you’re a cute fluffy bunny rabbit that nothing bad could ever happen to.

I have to admit that after the first fifty pages of this book I was so annoyed with it that I put it down and started reading something else. In the end, I was glad that I gave it another go, but I can only recommend it with reservations.

The Good Fairies of New York would end up making a good Hollywood movie. Imagine the movie Enchanted (the 1997 movie starring Amy Adams) but instead of having everything bright and gay, where even the homeless people are adorable, make it like Kurt Vonnegut might write it. So Enchanted but with a heroine with Crohn’s disease and a colostomy bag. Oh, and good fairies. Of course the good fairies have to show up because the heroine has Crohn’s disease, has been mistreated, and is in peril.

The good fairies (there are two of them) are a large enough part of the story that they might be the main characters. They want to be like the Ramones or the New York Dolls. They dye their hair and get drunk and talk frankly about sex. They have been run out of their fairy homeland because of their obnoxious Rock and Roll fairy fiddling, and on a crazy drinking binge they end up in New York City. Here are some of the things they find there:

• The already-mentioned attractive and sad artist girl heroine with Crohn’s disease.
• Her jerky ex, who is putting on a production of Shakespeare’s A Midsummer Night’s Dream.
• The overweight jerk who lives across the street. He thinks he wants to learn how to play the violin, but really he needs to learn the true meaning of love.
• Ethnic fairies (Italian, African, and Chinese.)
• A lot of cute homeless people.
• A lot of meaningless drinking.

Take these ingredients and mix vigorously with a lot of petty fairy squabbling, an unlikely romance, some lucky breaks, some unlucky breaks, and a faery cultural revolution, and you’ll end up with a book a lot like this.

The canned good fairy “outrageousness,” gratuitous boozing, and cute homeless people really got under my skin. However, if you can get past these annoyances, the book is a fun read. Besides the “ethnic” faeries, there are some delicious twists on fairy history and mythology. For example, good fairies have to do good or they get bad karma instantly. One of the fairies does something really bad by accident and spends the next chapter or so having horrible accidents. This was very pleasing to me.

The book treads a fine line between reality and fantasy, which is what makes me think of the movie Enchanted. Sometimes sad or bad things happen, and then other times there is magic in the world. When the going gets real tough, though, look out for good fairies.

Creepy Factor: 0 out of 5
Suspense Factor: 2 out of 5
Weird Erotic Tension Factor: 0 out of 5
Funny and/or Strange Factor: 4 out of 5

Final result: Wow my book review grading system made this book look bad so I added a new grading measure to the mix. I liked this book enough that I would probably read something else by Millar. But if you’re not into fairy tales and fantasy I would recommend you steer clear. Can I also complain to you, dear reader, that I have not read a book with any Weird Erotic Tension Factor since Lair of the White Worm? Folks, it was written one hundred years ago! What is wrong with the world?

Have you read this book? Has something horrible enough happened to you that you got a visit from a good fairy? Can anyone please suggest a horror book with some steamy erotic scenes? I know they’re out there and I need something to ease my aching heart from being love-sick over Coraline’s Other Mother. My love letters to her keep being returned – marked “undeliverable.”

The Good Fairies of New York – Martin Millar – Illustrations by Dave McKean – Tor Fantasy – 2008

The Good Fairies of New York on Amazon

Thanks for reading another one of my book reviews. Hopefully next time I review a nice juicy horror novel. I’m working on it! See you next time!