Weekly Geeks: Interview with Cthulhu

In this week’s Weekly Geek the assignment is to interview a character in a book or story. Today I have the honor to interview Cthulhu, who many of you know is the subject of stories by H.P. Lovecraft among others. In particular, his adventures as a horrible monster are detailed in Lovecraft’s 1926 masterpiece “The Call of Cthulhu” first published in Weird Tales. In the 83 years since then Cthulhu has gone on to be a menacing media sensation. So without further ado:

Welcome Cthulhu and thanks for agreeing to meet with me and not squish me like an insect. Can I call you Cthulhu?
Yes. Although I prefer an unintelligible word which translates to “That which must awaken soon and devour the stars and the Earth.”

Wow that’s great. First I want to ask you: You have enjoyed an increase in popularity of late. To what do you attribute your undying popularity?
Well it’s simple marketing 101, really. You need to have a compelling story. Something people can relate to, or maybe something that changes the way they see the world around them. Perhaps tell them something that adds meaning to their brief, pitiful, worm-like existences.

We just had a much-watched election in the United States and, as usual, there were a lot of “Cthulhu for President” bumper stickers. How do you feel about those?
I want the people of Earth to know that it is only when the stars are aligned that my terrible time will come and my minions and I will reshape this puny planet. In the meantime, my lawyers are working to stop these people. I feel that they are diluting my brand.

I have to stop a moment and admit that you’re one of my heroes. Do you have any recommendations for monsters who are just starting out?
I think one of the best decisions a monster can make early on is to be an undying evil. Things like vampires, ghosts, the headless horseman, Jason out at Crystal Lake, and up until recently, Voldemort. They all get the importance of not dying.

Where do you think Voldemort went wrong?
Voldemort first got into trouble when he decided to mess with children. Children are easier to menace, and you get a bigger reaction in the short term, but eventually children become teenagers, and then they get crushes on each other and have all this petty drama going on. A monster can end up feeling pushed aside. And then it’s hard to keep going.

Very interesting. So I’m going to ask you some quick “either-or” questions.
OK.

Good vs. Evil or Chaos vs. Order?
I really think that it’s more complicated than that. A monster needs an inner compass to guide him or her or it. Whether it be devouring hapless victims in a cave, stalking teenagers, or making doomed artists go insane, a monster really needs to listen to that inner voice. What do YOU want to do with your night?

King Kong or Godzilla?
King Kong, definitely. Oh Godzilla has his destructive side, and the lizard has a charming victory dance, but King Kong is a tragic story and I think it’s very moving.

Morticia Addams or the Beldam (a.k.a. the “other mother”) from Coraline?
Morticia all the way. (Laughs horrifyingly) Although there is something about the Beldam. I’d like to show her how to thread a needle, if you know what I mean.

Ha ha. Yes. OK. I’m going to say a word and I want you to say whatever comes to your mind:

Blue.
Black.

House.
Black.

Dream.
Black.

Um. Flower?
Black.

Fairy dust.
Black.

Wow thanks. I’m learning so much here. It’s like being in a monster master class. Do you get on the internet? And if you do, do you have any favorite things?
Yes recently the old ones figured out how to get satellite internet to my ruined city under the ocean. I just discovered this YouTube video of a cat who plays the piano. I play it over and over. (Editor’s note: We think Cthulhu is talking about this clip.)

I’m going to take a page from “Inside the Actor’s Studio” and ask, what is your favorite curse word?
I would love to share that but, if you could express it in print, it would most certainly make your readers go insane. If it didn’t kill them instantly, it would snuff their tiny minds out like candles.

Wow. Well we only have time for one more question and I’ll let you go. Well, Cthulhu, we all know you lay in wait under the ocean in R’lyeh…
Yes. Dreaming.

What do you miss most about the surface?
Depending on how you look at the ocean, it is always Spring or Fall under the sea. I miss a good Winter.

Wow well thanks again. It’s been a real pleasure talking with you. Thanks for answering my questions.
The pleasure is all mine, really. Thanks for having me.